Hegemony

Apparently you can learn a lot about a person and maybe even predict their future by taking note of what they eat for breakfast.  I’m not entirely sold on the concept but I definitely won’t be eating scones, soymilk and grapefruit tomorrow.  The day started well enough, and even mid-day was somewhat enjoyable, but these last few hours have been brutal.  In fact I have so much to do, and i’m here writing in this blog, i don’t think it should be considered procrastination because it really seems to be more of a coping mechanism.  maybe i just need a hug.  speaking of which, i broke down for the first time a few nights ago, the free calling card didn’t work and i was forced to call home collect, my poor family, that bill will be atrocious. 

anyways, as soon as i heard my mom’s voice, the waterworks began, ahh it was awful.  the worst part of all was being on the street and having thirty people pass by, stop and stare and reconfirm with one another that i was actually crying.  i feel so alone here, amidst so many.  alone together (good song, by the way). 

I’m coping, maybe surviving is a better word.  i know i’m fortunate and have much to be grateful for but……you know the rest    i don’t want to be dominated by a negative state when i have myself, the ally     but life seems grim

at least i have my brushes, painting sounds more therapeutic than ever

i do wish the best to all and to all a goodnight

it’s been awhile

well i’m slowly getting settled.  i like it here, i guess.  i don’t have much to write.  i feel like i have so much inside me to complain and be joyous about but it hasn’t come out since my arrival.  i keep calling everyone but i’m unable to give details or really express anything.  maybe it’s better like that.  but maybe not… i’ll try a list

1) the soymilk is really good.  it’s in a plain black carton sans an ingredient list or the good old nutritional information table, and who knows what’s in it but it’s the only easily digested and tastebud pleasing drink i’ve come across

2) I now have internet, that’s a definite positive

3) the malfunctioning toilet seems to be ok today

4) I met this guy from japan who isn’t really well acquainted either, though we have some communication difficulties and my cell is acting up again, but hopefully are paths will cross again

5) It’s sooooooo cold, why did i have the preconceived notion that it was warm here?

6) The landscaping is incredible, this place really is just beautiful ….but the people….umm well maybe i need to give them more time

7) but i can’t…….ahhhhhhhhhh they’re so superficial and plastic.  really i’m bound to come across someone i can relate to. it would help if their wardrobe wasn’t worth more than my home or they didn’t have a phone attached to their ears 23 hours of the day, but i know i might be pushing it

I hope to get a car soon, i’m enjoying my walks though

Well i hope to make a friend … hopefully everything will fall into place, if not it’s only four months.  four months isn’t that long is it?

Praga

i had a dream that you and i were swimming in a spring, in prague

waking up can really dissapoint

dearest prague, when will i see you again

visitors

it’s been such a pleasure to have company for the last few days.  alejandro and sebastian have added youthful joy and innocence to this place.  alejo left for valencia this morning and seba almost started to cry, they’ve become like brothers , in fact i think all of our bonds have strengthened. 

this evening seba nervously came to ask me if i could stay in his room until he fell asleep.  the boy has travelled all alone throughout south america, europe and the u.s. but is petrified of the dark.  we ended up talking for hours about goals, girls, parents, travelling and school, but now i think he’s finally on the road to dreamland.  my company has given me a much needed breath of fresh air.  how i adore watching them grow, knowing that the next time i spend time with seba the pristine naivety will have begun to fade.  i enjoy it when they correct me and question my suggestions.  i do hope i can retain an outlook like this when i have kids.  my mother hated my questioning, a sign of rebellion and defiance.  but really i feel proud (not that i believe i’ve made a significant contribution to their development, but i’d like to take a little bit of credit) when i see these self-assured, thinking and capable boys.  they give me hope, hope for not only tomorrow or today but hope for myself as well.

Forlorn

i feel sad, oh so sad.

though i do enjoy the sounds that are occupying my room, (do you enjoy , i wanna be adored- year of the rabbit, as much as i? i doubt it) my face is still long.

my grand-mère is not doing very well.  she looks radiant and unaged, but the fact is she’s sick.  what is more depressing is that she’s alone.  she has seven children all of whom she raised alone, all of whom are alive and well.  however, they are as distant as ever, only three managed to call for christmas.  her mind and body have been through so much. i wish there weren’t borders, time zones and climates between us.

imagine, being abandoned in the cayman islands before your tenth birthday, being raised by a dutch family-who only spoke dutch.  marrying young and having seven children to raise after your husband dies from cancer. and after most of your talented children have managed to study on scholarships.  you then immigrate to a country to help a struggling daughter.  30 some years later she has prospered and moved on… but you’ve stayed. today’s forecast happens to be -12, which we all know does wonders for an 88 year old body raised in a tropical climate. 

family…ours is so scattered.  unfortunately when her passing day does come, people will be coming out of the woodwork to reap the benefits.  cousins i’ve never even heard of will stand beside me, our common bond will not be the love for this woman, the admiration, or the memories-but the black clothes we’ve ’appropriately’ donned.